No pain medication for almost a week now, doing great, then out of the blue last night I hurt like crazy. I swear I could feel all 8 screws in my leg. Felt like the incisions on both side of my leg were splitting apart. My knee hurt from holding my foot off the floor all day. My shoulders hurt from hobbling on crutches all day. My ass hurt from sitting on it 10 times more than I usually do. To put it clearly, I hurt.
And then my wife and youngest son go to Bay City to pick up my art display stands from my oldest son who is moving to Wyoming. So I am sitting there, hurting all over, home alone, and it really set in that my son is actually moving and taking my grandsons half way across the country. So now the panic sets in. My throat begins to get dry. Shortly thereafter the opening in my throat seems to be closing. I can not sit still but it is a pain in the ass to stand. My mind floods with images of all the things that could go wrong preventing me from seeing my son or grandsons again. Shortness of breath followed by sweating. And not just average, everyday, man is it hot out here sweating. No, I am talking about, my t-shirt soaked and sweat running down my forehead and dripping off my eyebrows. I try, but my mind will not let me think of all the good that might come out of the kids moving.
Face it, if your mind wants control, it will take it, and it sucks.
I really do not care for prescription medication, or medication of any sort for that matter, but I was really left with no choice.
Now many of you may say, what a wuss, but trust me, if you were 45, a bit overweight, had broken bones for the first time in your life being held together by things that look like they came from corner hardware store, and add a serious panic attack, you might just give in also.
Faygo Rock and Rye on ice, 2 hydrocodone for the pain, and 2 xanax slipped under the tongue for the anxiety. (under the tongue with the xanax works fast, 5 - 10 minutes and no worries)
Relaxed enough to finish a painting, and fall asleep by about 10pm. I don't think I moved and inch once I fell asleep.
Today I am a bit cloudy but I can see clearly, unmedicated enough, to understand that it was just a bad couple hours and everything is going to be ok.
Or is it?
I wish I could convince myself that all is going to be good, but I know deep down inside that it is only a matter of time when I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep and in less than a minute I will spring up, crazy thoughts of panic running through my mind, and not just thoughts of missing the kids.
How about thoughts of losing my wife and being alone?
What about me getting some terminal illness and leaving my family without a husband, father, and grandfather?
Or the next time my youngest goes to a friends and thinking that he is going to get hurt somehow?
Oh, and then there is my son who is a Marine. Yeah, like I am going to handle him going off to Afganhistan (spelling?) in a few months.
Then top that off with the fact that it really freaks me out thinking that I might have to take this anxiety/panic medication the rest of my life.
WTF is that all about?
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